I love your newsletter.  Your approach to relationships is so fully well-rounded and balanced with the intimate aspect.  I always look forward to what you have to say on this subject!!!

I know that not every woman can orgasm during intercourse, but is it possible to develop the ability to do so?  I never even knew that was possible until a few years ago, and I just turned 50!

Both my daughters have experienced this seemingly "delightful" intimate phenomenon, so I think I may have a block.  I guess my question is, is it physical, emotional, or some of both?

Thank You!

-- J.

Dear J.,

I am so delighted that you are enjoying the "Weekly Ask Karinna" column. Thank you.

And I have to say, I am truly happy to hear that you and your daughters can openly talk about sex and share personal intimate experiences. I regard this as incredibly healthy and a valuable way to learn and support each other while growing into greater well-being and fulfillment in intimacy.

It is possible even if you haven't ever had an orgasm during intercourse to develop the ability to have one.  Perhaps you have had a block-- or maybe you just haven't been emotionally and skillfully made love to to the point which would bring you to orgasm.

Orgasm takes trust, trust of yourself and trust of your lover. You need the trust so that you can relax emotionally and physically into the shared space of deep intimacy. Intercourse is the most physically deep experience that two people can have together so you would think that the more involved you are in a relationship the easier it would be to have this deep experience easily and effortlessly. That can be true...if-- and only if-- the two people involved have an on-going commitment to keep opening up to themselves and to each other. Orgasm requires openness and surrender to the moment, to your body, your emotions, your spirit, and to your lover.

Sometimes it is easier to be open and have orgasms when you are young, dating people, and just having fun.  But when a couple chooses to invest in a relationship for over six months they can find old personal wounds, resistance, and relationship conflicts of an emotional and/or physical variety surfacing which can effect one's sexual openness and the ability to orgasm.

Let's discuss some possible emotional or physical blocks you may have that are in orgasm's way.

Emotional Blocks that Prevent Orgasm

• Unprocessed emotional frustration and issues with your partner will subdue your sexual interest and ability to move deeper into intimate pleasure with your lover.
• Self-Hatred and Poor Body Imaging will keep you from letting go to physical pleasure and orgasm.
• A belief system filled with shame and guilt about sexuality can cut you off from sexual pleasure.
• Unprocessed sexual trauma originating from a sexually inappropriate experience during childhood or an early adult experience can keep you from orgasmic experiences during intercourse.
• Sexual betrayal by a spouse or partner or vice versa-you having sexually betrayed a spouse or partner-- can also decrease your sexual response.

Physical Blocks that Prevent Orgasm

• Sexual friction during intercourse can irritate you before you can build to orgasm. And as HowStuffWorks.com states, "As menopause gets closer, hormone levels begin to drop. Eventually the ovaries stop making estrogen and progesterone, and the vaginal wall becomes drier and less elastic, making intercourse painful."
• Fatigue.
• Lack of awareness of your G-spot and how to direct your lover to stimulate it with different positions during intercourse.
• Not enough thoughtful and skillful foreplay before intercourse that would allow the natural process of physically opening up enough.
• Energetically you are shut down in your physical body. 

Suggestions for Removing Emotional and Physical Blocks from Orgasm's Way:

Go down the list of possible blocks and see which ones resonate with you. Begin to address the issues with such activities as education about the G-spot and positions to stimulate it as well as more skillful foreplay (found in Sacred Love-Making). You may also want to try individual and/or couples counseling to resolve old issues that are preventing you from feeling the pleasure you are seeking.  If you are specifically dealing with a hormonal issue check with a doctor or naturopath about the best way for you to proceed with hormone replacement therapy.

I also suggest the Fit for Love program and the Breath of Pleasure CD. Fit for Love opens your body, heart, and spirit so that you can naturally experience the intimate connection and pleasure you are ready to enjoy during lovemaking.  Breath of Pleasure verbally guides you into the core practice for achieving orgasm alone as well as during intercourse with your lover.